I am often asked how to say no to kids. In my November column for the Sydney Observer Magazine, p.8 (https://sydneyobserver.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/Observer1125.pdf), I write about setting boundaries using “Strategic Intervention” and “Counterfactuals” which I used purposefully in working with adults, families and kids.
Counterfactuals
Philosophers and psychologists often talk about the mental process of imagining alternative worlds: the “What if” or “If only” kind of thinking about how things could be different or possible if certain choices/decisions were made.
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I share the experience of a family I counselled (“Raising Spring Kids”) involving Gerald (age 8) and his parents. Gerald is headstrong and defiant. When his parents do not agree to his demands, he would “run away.” They would either give in or give him more screen time.
I suggested another option, “Every time Gerald threatens to run away, you pacify him. Ironically, you are enabling his behaviour. He doesn’t have to modify his behaviour. He has his parents to do that. He needs to change his behaviour himself. Set boundaries by using strategic intervention—'Help him run away from home’ and let him imagine what will happen if he does.”
Later his father, Michael reported, “We took up your suggestions. Last week when he walked out, I followed in my car. I said that if he runs away, he can sleep in a nearby hotel.” Gerald was shocked, “You are just going to let me go?’ His father smiled, “It’s your choice.” Gerald replied, “Well if you are not going to stop me, I won’t run away. I will just go home.”
Gerald has learned the meaning of “Be careful what you wish for.” When he realised that his actions no longer pushed his parents’ buttons, or got him the reactions he was hoping for, he stopped running away. When you facilitate kids to contemplate imagined outcomes – good, bad, or neutral – of their own behaviour, they learn to make appropriate decisions. By employing strategic intervention and counterfactual thinking, Michael was able to let Gerald picture a possible world where he got his wish but had to stay in a hotel on his own. Gerald’s decision not to proceed showed he recognised that this scenario was not a comfortable outcome for him.
· Names have been changed for privacy reasons
